Out in the Open Page 4

  Kevin Did you ever let on that you were a mate of Frankie’s?

  Monica No. We were never bosom buddies. I only bumped into him about three times.

  Kevin So. He’s going round thinking he was the love of Frankie’s life? And what does he think Tony was? The bit on the side?

  Monica He loved Frankie.

  Kevin Shut up. He’s just some little scally Manc you met on holiday who shagged our mate a few times.

  Monica Brett didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye.

  Kevin Frankie got struck by lightning, Monica! None of us got a chance to say goodbye!

  Monica The first he heard that Frankie’d died was a message from Mary on his answerphone.

  Kevin Mary knew Brett?

  Monica Mary phoned everyone in Frankie’s Filofax and let them know. Brett was in under ‘Col the Carpenter’. Code name. Brett got in one night to a message on his answerphone saying Frankie McAdam wouldn’t be needing any more carpentry. What an image. Yeah?

  Kevin You should write a poem about it.

  Monica I have. D’you wanna hear it?

  Kevin Life’s too short.

  Monica Why do you always have to be so horrible to me, Kev?

  Kevin Force of habit.

  Monica You used to be really cool with me when we did the pub quizzes. You were always complimenting me on my knowledge of contemporary politics.

  Kevin You know your Bush from your Gores I’ll give you that.

  Monica I remember the exact day you started being horrible to me.

  Kevin The minute we met?

  Monica That night at Marvellous. In the toilets. When I told you your feelings for Tony would never be reciprocated.

  Pause.

  Kevin What feelings? What are you talking about?

  Monica Oh, face it, Kev, you’ve always carried a torch for Tony.

  Kevin Don’t be daft! Frankie was my best mate!

  Monica You were always threatening to tell Tony about Frankie and Brett, and don’t think I don’t know why!

  Kevin Because I thought he had a right to know!

  Monica Because you thought they might split up and you’d get Tony to yourself.

  Kevin That’s bollocks! So why didn’t I tell him then?

  Monica Because you liked the idea of it. And were too scared of the reality.

  Kevin You’re fucking mental, you are. I’ve been living with him for six months. Don’t you think I woulda come on to him by now? If I was mad about him.

  Monica Haven’t you?

  Pause. Monica laughs.

  Kevin Of course I fucking haven’t. Why? Has he said something?

  Monica You’ve always tried it on with Frankie’s boyfriends, Kev. You try it on with everyone.

  Kevin I just get pissed, that’s all. And when I get pissed I don’t know what I’m doing. I ain’t tried it on with Tony. He woulda said something. Has he said something, Monica?

  Monica No.

  Kevin I’ve gotta stop drinking. And I have. I didn’t have a drink last night. I’m sick of finding meself in strange places at eight o’clock in the morning. Standing on the doorstep with me shoes on the wrong feet wondering how I got home. Losing me fucking bag. Losing me fucking memory. Getting flashbacks of people and lines of coke and rowing and … not knowing whether I’ve dreamt it or done it. Meeting people in the clubs who reckon they’ve had a big night out with you three weeks ago, and you don’t know them from Adam. Or fellas coming up saying ’You were fucking rude to my boyfriend last week. He does not look like Gary Glitter.’ And you look at the boyfriend. And they’re right, he doesn’t. Except for the fact he’s got black hair. And then you remember singing ’Leader of the Gang’ on a fucking table. And being vile. But convinced at the time you were hilarious. And other people saying, ‘Ah, you’re a lovely drunk.’ When you know in your heart of hearts what they mean is: You’re so vile it’s entertaining.

  Monica Is that why you stayed in last night?

  Kevin Kind of. And I didn’t really want to meet Tony’s fella off me head.

  Monica It’s weird, isn’t it.

  Kevin I haven’t laid a finger on Tony, Monica. If I had I’d remember.

  The back gate opens and Tony comes in, off his tits.

  Tony What’s all this stuff? Is it more presents? Oh, Monica, you didn’t have to!

  Tony goes into the living room as she speaks and then reappears with a picnic rug or blanket and goes about spreading it out on the decking.

  Monica Oh it’s just some of my stuff. I’m taking over Rafferty’s room at the commune.

  Tony Guess who was in the club. You’ll never guess who came to the club!

  Kevin Your new life partner? Well, where is he?

  Tony That bastard never turned up.

  Off, we hear Mary coming up the path.

  Mary Where’s he gone? (Louder.) Where’ve you gone?

  Tony We’re out here!

  Mary comes through wearing her sarong.

  Kevin I don’t fucking believe it.

  Mary Put some sounds on, guy. Rose! Where’s Rose?

  Rose comes in. She is tiny and splattered. She wears a summer dress with red wine down the front. Monica gets a CD out of her bag and puts it on her boogie box. It’s Abba. She sits and sings along quietly to it, though with real feeling.

  Rose I’m here.

  Mary Thought I’d lost you. Weren’t that cab driver lovely?

  Rose Oh, he’s a diamond. Oh yeah, d’you know who he puts me in mind of, Mare? Whatsisname. Used to be relief cellar man at the Elusive Camel. He had a terrible life. His Sharon was born with her pelvis back to front and no genitalia.

  Mary Get us a cup o’tea going. Me neck thinks me throat’s been cut.

  Rose All her intestines was hanging out her stomach like a string bag. It’s no life, is it?

  Tony Sod tea. Shall I raid the drinks cabinet?

  Kevin D’you want a bacon butty, girls?

  Mary Yeah, I’ve got the munchies.

  Rose I hope you’re hygienic. All your meat’s in the danger zone. I had to do a course when I ran the pub. Hygiene. We done lunches. Basic. Type o’thing Barbara Windsor does.

  Tony goes indoors.

  Mary Someone roll a spliff.

  Kevin So you went to Trade, Mary?

  Mary Well, we was only round the corner. Down the Blind Beggar, as was. What’s it called now, Rose?

  Rose I forget.

  Mary Anyway it was a bit of a late one there, so when they chucked out, she wanted another one, so I said, ‘Why not try Trade?’ I knew Tony was gonna be there. Nice, wannit, Rose?

  Rose Loud.

  Kevin Have you taken drugs, Mary? Popped a few pills?

  Mary Kevin! This is the one I told you about, Rose. Cheeky monkey, you are. Cheeky monkey!

  Rose starts tickling Kevin.

  Rose Yeah, I thought it might be you. You’ve got a twinkle, int ya? What’s going on behind them eyes you dirty bugger?! (Giggles like a schoolgirl.)

  Mary Ah, they all loved my baby there. Said he was a king among doormen.

  Rose Mare. I was out of order earlier. I know it. I’m sorry, everybody, if I offended but. You know. I don’t want these fuckers chatting to me just cos I’m old. And that was the vibe I was getting.

  Tony (from inside) Rose knows loads o’famous people, don’t you, Rose?

  Mary Well she used to run this pub near Victoria Bus Station so celebrities were always popping in en route to various destinations.

  Kevin Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?

  Rose Salvador Dali.

  Monica Who?

  Tony comes out with a selection of drinks. He puts them down on the blanket. He has plastic beakers.

  Mary I didn’t like that fella you were speaking to by the toilets, Tony. He was all over you like a rash. I had a word. I said, ‘Listen, love. He’s grieving. Back off.’ Well you are.

  Tony Brandy and coke?

  Kevin Please.

 
; Rose (to Kevin) You’re making a right pig’s ear o’that. Leave it to the professionals.

  Kevin No, you’re all right, I’ll do it.

  Rose Give it here! I’ve gotta do something or me hands’ll seize up.

  She elbows Kevin out of the way and takes over the cooking.

  Mary There was a lot of men in there tonight had their eye on you.

  Kevin So you were stood up, Toe?

  Tony Aye I was. I was supposed to meet him in there about midnight. He never showed. Searched high and low for him.

  Mary Who’s this, darling?

  Tony Just a friend really.

  Mary Oh, it’s good to have friends. You gotta be careful though. There’s a lot of people out there who’ll just want you for your money. Int that right, Ro?

  Rose ’Ere, remember that Jap who was always sniffing around me?

  Tony Mary. It’s obviously escaping your notice, but. I have no money.

  Mary You’ve got this lovely flat!

  Rose Made out he’d invented the wok, when they came all the rage in the eighties. Turned out he didn’t have a pot to piss in.

  Tony Anyway it was only a friend, so there’s nothing to worry about.

  Mary So why d’you search high and low for him?

  Tony Cos I wanted to see him.

  Mary Oh. That’s nice. It’s a great thing, friendship. It’s great, isn’t it, Monica?

  Monica Yeah it’s the best.

  Mary Innit great, Kev?

  Kevin D’you know what it is, Mary? It’s a tonic.

  Mary Ah! My Frankie had some lovely friends, didn’t he, Rose?

  Rose Mmm, not half. Mind you they had nice friends.

  Mary Who?

  Rose This lot singing.

  Monica Abba?

  Rose When they come in the Elusive Camel, their mates were so respectful of me.

  Monica What did they drink?

  Rose Abba? Pernod and black.

  Mary Oh, shut up, Rose. It weren’t the real Abba. It was that Abba tribute band. Yabba Dabba Doo. They doubled as the flintstones.

  Rose They weren’t, they were the real thing!

  Mary Oh, shut up. Were they Swedish?

  Rose No they were from Tunbridge Wells! I told you they were from Tunbridge Wells! I told that journalist!

  Mary Exactly! And what did he do? Laugh! (About the joint.) Fucking hell, that’s strong.

  Rose Wash your mouth out. You’re worse than Fern Britton. (To the others) She’s got a mouth on her. Cunt this, cunt that. I said to her, ’You don’t speak like that on Ready Steady Cook! I think you should stick to halves!’

  Mary It wasn’t Fern Britton! (To the others.) She’s deluded.

  Rose leaves the confines of the barbecue with her sausage tongs and approaches Monica.

  Rose What you staring at?

  Monica Me? Nothing.

  Rose I remember your mother. She threw a mean dart.

  Monica My mother doesn’t play darts.

  Rose Oh, and why’s that? Cos she broke her arm? And I suppose she told you she broke it falling on the ice? And I suppose you believed her. You silly whore.

  Monica Sorry?

  Mary Ro!

  Rose It was Big Alice Diamond what broke it cos she grassed up the Forty Thieves. Oh, the Old Bill said she was singing like they’d given her fucking canary seed once she got started. Dropped everyone right in it. Thanks a bunch!

  Monica My mother’s called Phoebe.

  Mary D’you wanna have a dance, Tony?

  Tony No thanks, babe.

  Kevin Ah, it’s a shame you got stood up, Tony. Are you gutted?

  Mary It was only a bloody little friend Kevin. Who gets upset over a fucking little friend? Eh? He lost his lover less than a year ago. What’s missing one little inconsequential friend compared to that? He’s got a garden full of friends here.

  Rose Well, I wouldn’t call it a garden, all wood and concrete. When I was a girl you’d grow spuds in a plot like this. Is this streaky? I haven’t got my specs on.

  Kevin I don’t know why you don’t just tell her.

  Mary Tell me what? What?!

  Kevin Well, maybe the fella he was going to meet was more than just a friend.

  Mary I don’t understand what you’re getting at, Kevin.

  Tony Kevin!

  Kevin Maybe Tony actually quite likes him.

  Mary Frankie’s only been gone six months. He ain’t even cold, darling. Tony ain’t ready yet, darling. Are you, darling?

  Tony No, darling.

  Mary See?

  Tony Kevin gets his wires crossed sometimes.

  Mary Our Frankie used to say that. He’d say ‘Mummy. Kev don’t half get his wires crossed sometimes.’ D’you remember, Ro?

  Rose No.

  Kevin I don’t believe for one minute that Frankie ever called you Mummy, Mary.

  Mary Was you there?

  Kevin I was round your flat often enough when I was growing up. The nicest thing I heard him call you was ‘Bitch’.

  Pause. This throws everyone. Kevin laughs to make light of it. Mary giggles, embarrassed.

  Mary You cheeky monkey. Eh? You cheeky monkey.

  Rose Cheeky monkey!

  Monica Kev, that’s bang out of order. Just because your relationship with your mum was dysfunctional.

  Kevin Dysfunctional?

  Monica It doesn’t follow that everyone’s relationships are fucked up.

  Kevin What d’you mean, dysfunctional?

  Monica Well, your mum was a smackhead, wasn’t she? I’d have thought that would make for a pretty dysfunctional relationship. I could be wrong.

  Kevin Who told you that? She’s weren’t a smackhead. She weren’t!

  Mary Weren’t she darling? You hundred per cent sure about that? You can tell me. I’m pretend family, darling.

  Kevin No. (To Monica.) Fucking hell, you wanna reassess your attitude.

  Mary That’s why you lived with your old nan.

  Kevin No.

  Monica Well, sorry, right, but Frankie told me otherwise. He was obviously lying. Maybe she had a toke on a joint once. And by a process of Chinese whispers that turns into ’Oh God, did you know that Kevin’s mum’s on drugs?’ Don’t blame me, blame the gay community. Gossipy or what?

  Tony Can we have something else on?

  Rose You got any Badly Drawn Boy?

  Mary What did you say, Monica?

  Rose I knitted him that hat.

  Monica Sorry?

  Mary Did you call Frankie a liar?

  Monica Well…

  Mary A liar and a gossip?

  Rose That’s her family all over. Stirrers.

  Mary When he ain’t even here to defend hisself?

  Rose Don’t tell her nothing!

  Mary Oh, that’s really nice, that is, Monica. Tell me, Tony. Were you aware that my dead son was a liar and a gossip? Only Monica here reckons he was.

  Tony None of us are perfect, Mary.

  Mary Oh! So you’d agree? Anything else we wanna slag him off for while I’m here? Jesus, you won’t even wait ’til me back’s turned.

  Kevin He was a liar. About some things. We all lie.

  Mary That’s a terrible accusation.

  Kevin No it’s not.

  Monica Well, somebody told me your mum was a smackhead.

  Mary Oh, great, so pick on the person who ain’t here to defend hisself to get the blame! Of course it’s true. What else would explain your rottenness? Don’t get me wrong, darling, I love you, you know I love you. But you are rotten at times, rotten.

  Kevin I don’t believe this!

  Tony Can’t we talk about something nice?

  Kevin My mum is nice! You’re so full of shit, Monica!

  Monica I must have made a mistake. Sorry.

  Mary I hope so, darling. It ain’t nice to hear about your dead son’s negative aspects.

  Monica Look, Mary, I didn’t mean to …

  Mary Mean to what, darling? Fuck me off? Wel
l, you have.

  Rose D’you know who’s lovely? Gargy Patel.

  Monica All I meant was …

  Mary D’you think it doesn’t hurt? When I see horrible things written about queers in the papers? D’you not think every time I see an MP on the news spouting bollocks it don’t cut through me like glass? ‘My Frankie weren’t like that,’ I wanna scream. ‘Come and meet my Frankie. He’ll change your mind.’ Only he can’t now cos he ain’t here. And every time someone’s rude about gay lads on the box I take it personal. They’re slagging off my son. And they didn’t even know him. And you did. And yet you’re more than ready to coat him.

  Monica All I said …

  Mary I heard what you said. Oh, Monica. Don’t break my heart.

  She falls into Monica’ s arms and sobs her heart out.

  Rose I love a nice Asian.

  Mary When you’ve got kids you’ll understand.

  Kevin Funny you should say that.

  Monica Drop it, guy!

  Kevin Oh, am I not supposed to tell anyone?

  Mary Eh?

  Kevin Sorry.

  Mary You’re not pregnant, are you?

  Rose I knew it. I thought she was pregnant, only I didn’t like to say in case she was just …

  Monica I’m not pregnant.

  Kevin Yet.

  Monica Drop it, Kev!

  Rose Now I ain’t saying she’s fat. Cos she ain’t. She’s glowing. And a lot of people glow when they’re pregnant.

  Mary I was like a fucking Belisha beacon, Monica. Do you want little babies, Monica? Did you hear that, Rose? I’m gonna be a grandma!

  She starts to cry again.

  Monica Look, you know. My mind isn’t made up or anything. I mean, it’s a big step. I don’t know if I’m up to it.

  Mary Oh, it’s easy, Monica. It’s easy. It’s like riding a bike. Can you ride a bike? (Monica nods.) Have a baby, Monica. You’d make a lovely mum, you would. Wouldn’t she make a lovely mum, Rose?

  Rose Dunno.

  Monica But it’s really painful.

  Mary When they hurt you? I know, darling. But the pros outweigh the cons. Believe me, babe.

  Monica No, I mean, like … giving birth.

  Kevin Can you still die in childbirth?

  Monica I don’t know. Shit, can you?

  Kevin Fingers crossed!

  Rose I like him.

  Monica I’m going to the toilet.

  Kevin is pissing himself. Monica runs inside.