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  Tom I’m so sorry Ellie. I don’t have the foggiest idea how this has come about.

  Ellie (To Melanie.) I can’t believe you just did that.

  Melanie looks up and realises she was addressing her.

  Melanie Why? He’s hardly going to be bothered. (Indicates Russell, then addresses him.) That’s so typical of her.

  Russell Tomorrow The News Of The World are running a story about your Father having . . . a kind of affair.

  Melanie Ooh! There’s life in the old dog yet.

  Russell A love affair, I think.

  Melanie Love? Nice to know you’re capable of it.

  Tom You think?

  Russell I’d say the cameras out there were a bit of a giveaway.

  Ellie (To Russell.) And what business is it of yours?

  Melanie With who? With who? My God!

  Russell sees Ellie looking at him.

  Russell Don’t look at me!

  Tom Ellie!

  Ellie (To Russell.) I wouldn’t put anything past you.

  Melanie (To Ellie.) You don’t still use that ghastly fabric conditioner do you? With the flowers? Last time I stayed I got the most awful rash. Oh and now I’ve pricked my thumb.

  Tom You know Melanie, sometimes silence is golden.

  Russell What, like you never owning up to the truth?

  Tom Funny how the cameras only turned up after you’d arrived. What did you do? Tip them off?

  Russell I don’t need this.

  Melanie Who is it? Oh not that awful secretary of yours. Glasses. Three different hairstyles on the one head.

  Tom Don’t be stupid Melanie.

  Russell My arrival was altruistic.

  Tom If you say so.

  Melanie Mother why is Mr Saturday Night in our living room?

  Russell You know I don’t just do presenting stuff. I’m actually an actor, first and foremost.

  Ellie I wish someone would tell me. I was just reading Wolf Hall when . . .

  Melanie Oh, isn’t it vile. All those words.

  Tom When have I even had time for an affair?

  Russell It’s certainly not his secretary. It’s a bloke. A guy.

  Ellie Yes we know what bloke means.

  Beat.

  Melanie I’m sorry?

  Ellie Right, well there’s a simple solution to this. Just deny it. Make a statement. Phone someone. Tell them all it’s nincompoop.

  Melanie They can’t print lies like that, you should sue.

  Russell And what if it’s not lies?

  Ellie You’re a lot fatter than you are on the telly.

  Melanie Is this some sort of joke? Dad? Well?

  Tom says nothing.

  Melanie Dad, there are fifty blokes outside with zoom lenses, answer the bloody question!!

  Ellie This isn’t about you, Melanie. Much as you’d like it to be.

  Suddenly Melanie bursts out crying. Russell looks at her, bewildered.

  Melanie I live on my nerves. I’m by nature a very nervous person.

  Russell They have evidence of you meeting with a prisoner.

  Tom I run a police force. I see prisoners every day of my life, I can’t believe this is happening.

  Melanie (To Russell.) Why are you here?

  Russell Someone told me. I got a tip off. I came round here to give him the heads up.

  Melanie But why you?

  Russell Your Father and I have history!

  Ellie Will you have to resign?

  Melanie He’s the Chief of Police, Mother, of course he’ll have to resign!

  Ellie Not if he denies it. This family will not be held to ransom by the gutter press.

  Tom The whole thing’s ridiculous.

  Russell It’s not just the affair, it’s everything.

  Ellie (Unsure.) Everything?

  Russell Yes, everything. In case you’ve forgotten, you last saw me at . . .

  Ellie I know full well where I last saw you. You might think twenty years can erase the memory, but, unfortunately. No.

  Russell Twenty four. Almost a quarter of a century.

  Ellie You might think I’m stupid to have put up with him all these years but I can assure you I’m very much not.

  Russell I do not think you’re stupid.

  Ellie Can you get out of my house please? Now? You always bring bad luck.

  Melanie What happened twenty-four . . .

  Ellie What are you? The devil? Whenever I see you. Chaos. Pain. Get out!

  Tom He can’t go now. He goes now and it’ll be proof positive I’m a queer. He’ll be all over the press.

  Melanie You can’t say queer now, Dad, unless you are one.

  Ellie Melanie. Take this man.

  Russell My name is Russell.

  Ellie It’s a nice evening. Go on the patio, it’s not overlooked. Get drunk together. Have that bottle of Chateau Lafite.

  Melanie The one you were saving for a rainy day?

  Ellie The heavens just opened. I want to speak to your Father alone.

  Melanie Why did you ask me round here?

  Tom Oh and you’d rather read this in the papers tomorrow? When you’re feeding your brat of a daughter?

  Melanie (To Ellie.) If it’s true . . .

  Ellie They can print what they like. We’ll refute it.

  Melanie You have to leave him Mother. I always hated Mary Archer.

  And she exits. Russell goes to follow then falters.

  Ellie Don’t you dare say anything to her about . . .

  Russell About what?

  Ellie She lives on her nerves. She’s by nature a very nervous person.

  Russell And what’s to stop me walking out of that front door now?

  Tom The past.

  Russell You should be ashamed of yourself.

  Russell goes. Ellie looks to Tom.

  Ellie Should you? I’m not a mind reader.

  Tom I need to think.

  Ellie We’ll just deny it. Everything. Brave face. United front.

  Tom (Snapping.) An it’s that easy, is it!

  Ellie I’m going upstairs.

  Tom Ellie, no, I’m sorry.

  Ellie I just want to run. And keep on running.

  And she hurries out. Left alone Tom eventually stands up. He wanders round the room, hands in pockets, deep in thought. Eventually he clears his throat. And starts to sing.

  Tom If you’re fond of sand dunes and salty air Quaint little villages here and there You’re bound to fall in love with Old Cape Cod.

  The lights fade, and rise on:

  Scene Three – Billy’s bedsit, Liverpool, 1962

  The lights come up on seventeen year old Tom, lying in bed with his mate Billy in the middle of the afternoon. They’re both smoking.

  Tom is singing to Billy. Billy is from Ireland.

  Tom If you like the taste of a lobster stew Served by a window with an ocean view You’re sure to fall in love with old Cape Cod.

  Billy Tom? Tom, can I ask you something?

  Tom D’you like that? Heard it on the radio.

  Billy Are you courting that girl from church? Plays the organ?

  Tom I’ve only got to hear a song once and I remember it.

  Billy Is it serious?

  Tom Ellie’s a nice girl.

  Billy With an arse the size of a roundabout.

  Tom Billy. This. Messing around. It’s . . . it’s kids’ stuff.

  Billy I don’t feel like a kid. Not when I’m with you.

  Tom You are a kid, saying stuff like that.

  Billy Be honest. You’d rather have a dollop of this than what you get up to with Ellie. Or are you saving stuff like that ’til you’re married?

  Tom I wish it was before.

  Billy Before?

  Tom You don’t ask many questions. You just get on with it. And then afterwards. You’re like this. You could set your watch by it.

  Billy There was a thing in the paper. How To Spot A Homo. D’you wanna see?

  Tom Billy don’t.


  Billy gets a hidden copy of The Mirror out from under the mattress. Billy The easy way to pick a pervert is they all wear corduroy pants and have girls’ hair apparently.

  Tom You won’t find any cord in my wardrobe.

  Billy Apart from that pleated skirt.

  Tom Billy, if you’re worried. About this carrying on. Getting in the way of marriage. The future. It won’t. One day we’ll put a stop to it.

  Billy Is that what you want?

  Tom You read too much into things. Reading papers. Thinking too much.

  Billy Suede shoes. Sports jacket. Smoking a pipe apparently. Oh and walking at ninety five degrees. They’re the dead giveaways according to The Mirror.

  Tom I don’t know what walking at ninety five degrees means.

  Billy Bit like you really.

  Tom grabs him and they play fight for a while. Billy wins. He has him pinned to the bed.

  Billy I wish we could stay like this forever.

  Tom I’d get rigor mortis eventually.

  Billy The smell of you. Everything about you.

  Tom Billy.

  Billy I don’t care.

  Tom You should.

  Billy Head in the clouds, me.

  Tom And I start my shift at three.

  Billy lets him go. Tom gets up to get dressed. He puts his jacket on. It’s part of a police uniform.

  Billy If you wanna come the picture house, you can sit in the projectionist’s booth with me. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Old Harry lets me do it all on me own. Come in your uniform and I might even polish your buttons for you.

  And they kiss again. Suddenly the door bursts open and three Policemen run in.

  Policeman 1 Get off the bed the pair of you, come on!

  Policeman 2 And get your hands off him you, you dirty invert!

  Policeman 1 Evil bastards, now! Come on! (To other copper.) Get the sheets, that’s evidence. Yous two are coming down the station with me. Dirty sodomites, d’you hear me?

  Billy Hey! Get off him!

  Tom It’s not how it looks! I swear to God.

  Policeman 1 (mimicking him) I swear to God. Pissing yourself are you lad? Shitting a brick are you?

  Tom I swear to God. You don’t know what happened.

  Policeman 1 I wasn’t born yesterday you know.

  Tom You don’t though.

  Billy Shut up Tommy.

  Policeman 2 Yeah, save your breath for the station! And get some clothes on, the pair of you! Come on! Step on it!

  Jesus!

  Blackout.

  Scene Four – Tom’s back garden, Islington, 2010

  Melanie and Russell are drinking posh wine in the back garden.

  Melanie is pacing about. There are two patio chairs and a table.

  Russell I so don’t want to be here.

  Melanie Snap! The thing with my family is they never really speak. They just shut down when anything big’s happening. Acres of silence. Poor GCSE results. Silence. My first miscarriage. Condemning looks. When the cat died they didn’t tell me for two weeks. Well it felt like two weeks. Could you?

  She hands him her glass. She gets a little bag of coke out and a key and starts shovelling some on.

  Melanie Little livener?

  Russell D’you think that’s wise?

  Melanie You front a reality show that puts people in the chorus lines of West End Musicals. Don’t talk to me about wise.

  Russell Fair point. (He snorts it.)

  Melanie And then there was the big one. Oh God, someone should write a book about my life.

  Russell I’ll get my Dictaphone out.

  Melanie snorts some coke.

  Melanie Mother was the local organist. Always had more time for that blessed choir than she did for me. And I’m tone deaf, to her eternal shame. She took me to watch them practicing one night. Couldn’t get a babysitter. She’s there, beating time with a knitting needle. I’ve explored this a million times with my therapist. When the door at the back opens and this guy comes in. He took her to one side and said something to her. She nodded. He left. Then she carried on with the practice.

  Russell That’s good stuff.

  Melanie In the car on the way home I said ‘What did that man say?’ She said ‘Your brother’s dead. He came off his moped on the outskirts of Tring.’ (She lets this settle.) She carried on as if nothing had happened. Gammon for supper. Pineapple rings. I had a tantrum because she’d run out of spaghetti hoops.

  Russell Where was your Dad?

  Melanie Away on a course. He went on a lot of courses. Needless to say I’m scared witless of anything on two wheels.

  Suddenly there is a beep of a horn. A scream of breaks. And then the sound of a car colliding with a motorbike. Ellie rushes through, putting on a fur coat.

  Melanie My God what was that?

  Ellie Don’t go out front, you know it’ll only upset you.

  Melanie Is anyone hurt?

  Ellie I’m going out to see.

  Melanie Mother! Since when did you have a fur coat?

  Ellie (taps forehead) Up here I’m Bette Davies. Do you have a cigarette?

  Melanie I’ve only got one left

  Ellie I’ll mime that bit.

  Melanie Bette Davies?

  Ellie Tonight, everyone comes out. Wish me luck.

  And she heads off. Melanie turns to Russell.

  Melanie I should do less drugs.

  Russell It’s my favourite word. More. Come on then!

  And she gets some more coke out and they sniff a bit more.

  Melanie Russell? Can I call you Russell?

  Russell It’s my name.

  Melanie Do you think the natural human condition is to feel depressed?

  Russell Erm, that’s a bit deep.

  Melanie Sorry. I have a tendency to be inappropriate.

  Russell Whenever I feel isolated, alone. I think of this friend I used to have. You’d’ve loved him. Sit down.

  Melanie Are you going to tell me a story?

  They sit.

  Russell I was crap. And he was so amazing. We ran away to London together and he was the brightest star in Heaven.

  Blackout.

  Scene Five – Heaven nightclub, 1981

  Lights, dry ice, action! We find eighteen year old Mickey dancing on a podium by the dance floor at Heaven nightclub. He is lost in the music. He takes a big snort of poppers and sings along to the song at the top of his voice. It’s Boys Town Gang and ‘Remember Me’.

  Mickey (sings) Remember me as a sunny day That you once had along the way Didn’t I inspire you a little higher Remember me as a funny clown That made you laugh when you were down

  As he sings, eighteen year old Russell struggles on carrying two holdalls and a guitar case, looking most put out.

  Russell Can we go please?

  Mickey (sings) Didn’t I boy, didn’t I boy

  Russell Mickey there’s no women in this club.

  Mickey (sings) Remember me as a big balloon

  Russell Mickey? Have you brought me to a gay club?

  Mickey (sings) At a carnival that ended too soon

  Russell I’ve got our bags.

  Mickey (sings) Remember me as a breath of spring

  Russell Please? Can we go?

  Mickey (sings) Remember me as a good thing.

  Russell My spot cover’s wearing off, I’ll look like a Belesha Beacon in a minute.

  Mickey All right, all right, keep your hair on tiger.

  Russell Where we gonna go? We’ve got nowhere to go.

  Mickey Isn’t that part of the adventure?

  Russell But we’ve run away to London and we’ve got nowhere to sleep. I should never have listened to you. Getting off the train. ‘Ooh let’s go dancing’, he says. ‘I just wanna dance’ he says. Yeah well look at us now. We shoulda gone and found a B and B there and then. I should’ve followed my instincts. You’ve spent all our savings on booze.

  Mickey Oh shut up Russell, I’ve sorted us a bed for the night.<
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  Russell Who with?

  Mickey This bloke I met in the toilets. He said we could go back to his. Come on, it’ll be a laugh.

  Russell I can’t believe the situations you put me in sometimes.

  Mickey Don’t worry, straight boy, you won’t have to do nothing. Leave that to me. You’ll like him, he’s posh. He’s an opera singer.

  Russell (more interested) Oh right.

  Mickey So he’ll be hitting top C tonight, d’you know what I’m saying?

  Russell And he doesn’t mind me coming back an’all?

  Mickey I always look after you don’t I?

  Russell Maybe he could give me some advice.

  Mickey Yeah. Lighten up, you’re getting on everyone’s tits.

  Russell About my acting.

  Mickey Just don’t bore him with it, all right? You do my head in, talking about it all the time. Right he’s coming over. Smile.

  Robin comes in. A bit older than them, dressed like a clone. Big moustache.

  Mickey All right Robin? How’s it going? This is my mate Russell I was telling you about. Russ, this is Robin.

  Russell Hi.

  Robin Ooh it’s my lucky night.

  Mickey Oh no, he won’t be putting out. Bit of a fridge our Russell int you mush?

  Russell I’m actually straight, so . . .

  Mickey and Robin laugh at this. Russell is stung.

  Robin And you’ve just moved to London?

  Russell Yeah that’s right.

  Robin Where from?

  Russell / Mickey Essex.

  Robin Oh.

  Mickey Billericay. D’you know it?

  Robin I haven’t had that pleasure.

  Russell Mickey says you’re an opera singer.

  Robin I’m a violinist actually. At the ENO.

  Mickey Oh I musta misheard when I had your knob in my ear.

  Russell That’s a rather impressive moustache you have Robin.

  Robin Thank you. Shall we go?

  Mickey Yeah, all these poppers are giving me a headache.

  Russell picks up all the bags. Robin gives him a hand.

  Robin I’m surprised you didn’t bring the kitchen sink. Come on. We can carry on the party at home.

  Russell Where is it you live?

  Robin Archway.

  Russell Ooh that sounds nice. Doesn’t it sound nice Mickey?

  Mickey Have a snort of them and shut your mouth.

  He hands Russell the poppers as they head out.

  Blackout.