Out in the Open Read online

  Tony exits.

  Mary Can I use your phone darling? Give her a quick tinkle? (Dials number.) She’ll be sat by that window. She relies on me Tony. I’m her lifeline. (On phone.) Hello, darling, it’s me. Now I’m up Dalston so don’t get yourself in a tizzy, I know you. Now, I got everything on the list but they didn’t have that scent you wanted so I got an alternative. (Gets it out.) Passion, darling. What will they think of next? Your nice home help been round? Ah, has she? Has her sister had that baby yet?

  Pause.

  Harelip’s nothing these days, Myra. See ya!

  Tony comes in and gives her a cup of tea. Mary puts the phone down.

  Tony You’re not stopping long, are you? I’m supposed to be in work in an hour.

  Mary I went up the grave yesterday. Nice flowers. You’re ever so thoughtful, darling.

  Tony I’ve not been up for a few weeks.

  Mary Ain’t you? Well, who put the flowers there?

  Tony I don’t know.

  Mary But yesterday was the thirteenth, darling. You said …

  Tony I got tied up at work.

  Mary But it was his birthday, darling.

  Tony I know it was his fucking birthday, Mary. What did you want me to do? Go up there and bake a cake? I got tied up at work. I might go later.

  Mary This phone’s filthy.

  She gives it a wipe with her cloth.

  Tony I was going to go.

  Mary What got you tied up at work then darling? I hope they ain’t working you too hard. When I met your manager at Frankie’s send-off I thought she had a touch of the Adolfs about her. Right bossy cow.

  Tony One of my team’s got shingles. So I’m covering for him.

  Mary Ooh, that’s a debilitating disease, shingles. Kevin’s nan’s got that, ain’t she. Cor. There’s a lot of it about, Tony. You wanna make sure you don’t get it. It’s like being punched in the side with a crowbar, you know.

  Kevin comes out in sunglasses with his Hooch.

  Mary ’Ere, Kevin. One of his team’s got shingles an’ all.

  Kevin Great. What’s a doppelgänger?

  Mary Type o’German sausage, innit?

  Kevin Is it?

  Tony No. It’s a looky-likey. Why?

  Mary Is it? Oh.

  Kevin They just said it on the telly. Didn’t know what it was.

  Mary What you been doing with this phone, Kevin? It’s filthy. Look at the colour of that!

  Kevin I’ve been making dirty phone calls, Mare.

  Mary You didn’t call me, did you? Years back? I got an heavy breather the day Princess Diane died. Some people have got no respect for the dead.

  Kevin Yes, it was me.

  Mary I blew a whistle down the phone. Frankie said I should’ve asked him out. Cheeky little git. You been up Frankie’s grave, Kev?

  Kevin No.

  Mary Only there was some nice red roses up there yesterday. Thought it mighta been you.

  Kevin Well, it weren’t.

  Mary Oh well. Probably Monica.

  Kevin Monica’s in Greece.

  Mary The musical?

  Kevin The country.

  Tony Lucky cow.

  Mary Oh, cos she had that audition.

  Tony That was for Mamma Mia.

  Mary She’d be good in that. She’s got a lovely voice.

  Kevin grunts.

  Mary Kevin!

  Tony What I wouldn’t give to be lying on a beach just now.

  Mary She sung lovely at Frankie’s send-off. D’you know who she reminds me of? She’s like a black …

  Kevin Bella Emberg?

  Mary Jane MacDonald. Now she can sell a tune.

  Tony I think she’s back today.

  Mary That’s what Monica wants to do. She wants to get on one o’them docusoaps. She’d be lovely in one o’them. She’d be lovely in a lot of things.

  Tony Frankie always fancied Mykonos.

  Mary Did he?

  Tony We were always planning to go together.

  Mary He never told me.

  Tony I wanted to go with Monica, do it for Frankie. But I couldn’t get the time off work.

  Mary D’you know what this tea tastes like?

  Kevin Piss?

  Mary Bovril. I haven’t had that for years. I used to give it Frankie if there was a nip in the air. He couldn’t get enough of it. I thought he was addicted at one point. Nearly took him up Dr French. Well, if it wasn’t Monica, who was it?

  Kevin Didn’t they leave a card or nothing?

  Mary No. Looks lovely though, Kevin. You should get yourself up there. All them flowers. Call yourself a friend. And I took tiger tulips. I’m so pleased we went for that marble in the end.

  Kevin I don’t need to go to no cemetery to remember him.

  Mary There’s a new grave two doors up. Looks lovely. They went for the photograph on the headstone. Lovely looking woman. Got a look of Gloria Hunniford about her. I do think it’s nice to put a face to the name.

  Tony Mary …

  Mary Don’t shout me down darling.

  Kevin That’s so tacky!

  Mary I still say …

  Tony Mary!

  Pause.

  Kevin Why’s it called doppelgänger?

  Tony I dunno. I think it’s a German word.

  Kevin God, couldn’t we even think up one of our own?

  Tony We did. Looky-likey.

  Mary Give it a little clean, you know. Found this fabulous marble cleaner up Windsor last week. Had an excursion. Saw the castle then went to a garden centre. Lovely stuff for your garden there. And I found this marble cleaner. I thought, ‘I’m having some o’that!’ Brought the grave up lovely.

  Tony What were you doing up Windsor?

  Mary Keeping my mate Rose company, wan’ I? She’s always going on day trips with her drop-in centre and she likes me to go with her cos most of ’em are doped up to the eyeballs on antipsychotics. She’s going Hastings for a fortnight next week. B&B, evening meal and round-the-clock care. It’s marvellous. It’s Blair’s Britain.

  Kevin I think I’m getting a cold sore.

  Mary Oh. That’ll be your herpes back with a vengeance. Oh, I better be off. Use those watermelons wisely.

  She stands.

  D’you know? The menopause don’t half make you dizzy. (Kisses Tony. To Kevin.) I’m not kissing you, you dirty bugger. You taken your pills today, Tony?

  Tony Yes.

  Mary Well don’t forget. Oh. (To Kevin.) Will you be seeing Dodgy Rog this week?

  Kevin Maybe.

  Mary That stuff’s fantastic. Purely medicinal.

  Kevin I’ll get some more.

  Mary OK. I get paid Friday so I’ll sort you out then.

  Kevin Whatever.

  Mary And don’t work too hard up that shop, Tony!

  Mary exits. Kevin is still standing in the doorway.

  Tony You look like shite. What time did you roll in?

  Kevin You ain’t my nan.

  Tony I’ll tell you when. Five o’clock. Who did you bring back?

  Kevin I don’t have to answer to you.

  Tony Can you remember?

  Kevin thinks.

  Kevin I met him up the heath.

  Tony Is that supposed to be funny?

  Kevin Oh, I’m sorry. No, I am, I’m really sorry. How you feeling today?

  Tony Kev I don’t mind you having fellas back but for fuck’s sake keep the noise down next time, eh? I’m going back to bed.

  Kevin I thought you was goina work?

  Tony I lied. OK?

  Tony picks up the trainers and goes in. Kevin looks up at the sky.

  Blackout.

  Scene Three

  Saturday afternoon.

  A few hours later. Monica sits in a deckchair, rolling a cigarette. She wears a friendship bangle round her wrist. On the table sit two presents in brown paper bags from a gift shop. The trainers have disappeared.

  Monica I’ve decided.

  Kevin (off) What? />
  Monica I’m gonna be a performance poet.

  Kevin comes out with a cup of tea and a bottle of Hooch.

  Kevin Why?

  Monica I wrote some poetry in Mykonos.

  Kevin Is this mine?

  Monica Yeah it’s a present. I think you’ll like it actually.

  Kevin (unwrapping present) Is it a gay Mecca?

  He has unwrapped a cup.

  Monica It’s a cup. It’s got a picture of me on it.

  Kevin You narcissistic bitch. Was there millions of queens there?

  Monica Yeah. Well, a few. There were quite a lot in the gay bars. Met a nice couple from Stanmore. They were cool. Had some really mellow chats with them. They bought me this on the last night.

  Kevin A shoelace?

  Monica It’s a friendship bangle. (Gets photos out) Look. That’s them. The one on the left’s Colin, the one on the right’s Vince. We’re going to have a reunion on Monday.

  Kevin They’re a bit old for you, aren’t they?

  Monica I think one of the most interesting things about foreign travel is you really let your barriers down.

  Kevin How old are they?

  Monica I don’t know, but they’ve been together eighteen years. Eighteen years! I said, ‘I’ve gotta hand it to you guys. You’re setting a really good example to younger lesbians, gay men, transgendered and questioning people.’

  Kevin They look like the fucking Chuckle Brothers. (Handing photo back) Are you still a dyke?

  Monica Yeah!

  Kevin But have you slept with a bird yet?

  Monica Do I have to pass a test or something? Being a lesbian’s not like driving a car, you know.

  Kevin Well, you’d pass the written but I won’t hold me breath for your practical.

  Monica And what if I slept with a woman in Mykonos?

  Kevin No you never! You never! I don’t believe it!

  Monica Why is that so incomprehensible to you, Kev?

  Kevin Did she have a name? Or was it anonymous? In a lezzie back room.

  Monica Don’t tar me with your brush, Kev.

  Kevin So where was it?

  Monica Look, I’m not saying I did, right?

  Kevin So you’re still a lesbo virgin?

  Monica How’s Tony? I’ve been so worried about him. I almost phoned him from Mykonos.

  Kevin He seems to be bearing up.

  Monica I was thinking about him non-bloody-stop. Poor Tonio. It’s like his right arm’s been wrenched off. The next few years are gonna be so tough for him. Facing the future. All alone. Every time I think about it I just crumble. I’ve gotta be strong. If only for him.

  Kevin He doesn’t have to be alone. He’s got us.

  Monica Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, you can be really sweet when you want to. Yeah he’s got us. And how’s Mary?

  Kevin (tuts) Don’t ask.

  Monica It can’t be easy for her, Kevin.

  Kevin It isn’t easy for any of us.

  Monica True, but there’s different issues if it’s your own kid. She carried him for nine months, don’t forget. D’you know how many weeks that is? It’s something like thirty-six. Maybe if you had a child you’d understand.

  Kevin Oh yeah and that’s really likely.

  Monica I’m gay. Does that mean I can’t have kids?

  Kevin I’d be a crap dad.

  Kevin squints up at the sky and yawns.

  Monica Colin and Vince would love to father a child.

  Kevin You didn’t offer them your eggs!

  Monica I’d love kids.

  Kevin But you’re on the Pill.

  Monica I’m a lesbian, Kevin. It’d be pretty redundant.

  Kevin You used to be on the Pill.

  Monica God, I was having a really positive day ’til I came round here.

  Kevin What you gonna be at this reunion? The main course?

  Monica I wouldn’t actually have to fuck them, you stupid idiot. I’d artificially inseminate myself with Colin’s sperm.

  Kevin Eugh! (Looks her up and down) You’ll need more than a fucking turkey baster. You’ll need a good set o’bellows up you.

  Monica D’you know one thing I realised in Mykonos?

  Kevin You’ll never be a size twelve?

  Monica I hate sarcasm.

  Kevin You know where the door is.

  Monica It’s a gate actually.

  Kevin You know where the gate is.

  Monica I’m waiting for Tony to get up. Now can I have your undivided attention please? Cos I’ve got something really major to tell you.

  Kevin Oh, Mamma Mia phoned while you were away. They want you to play the lead.

  Monica looks gobsmacked.

  Kevin They didn’t really.

  Monica gives him daggers.

  Kevin Sorry. Was that really cruel?

  Monica Have a drink, Kevin. You’re so much nicer when you’re drunk.

  Kevin Why?

  Monica Sit down.

  Kevin You’re a fucking control freak.

  Monica (dismissively) You sound like my therapist. Sit.

  Kevin I don’t wanna sit.

  Monica OK, we’ll stand.

  Kevin No. I wanna sit.

  Kevin sits. Monica shuts the French windows quietly.

  Monica I met someone in Mykonos who really freaked me out.

  Kevin Who?

  Monica I didn’t think it was him at first. I mean you don’t expect to bump into someone from home in bloody Mykonos.

  Kevin Who?

  Monica Not that I really knew him as such. Depends on your definition of ‘know’, I guess.

  Kevin Oh, for God’s sake, Mon, cut to the quick. Who?

  Monica Brett.

  Kevin Brett?

  Pause.

  Kevin But you don’t know Brett. None of us do.

  Monica I’ve seen photographs of him. When Frankie took him to Belgium he took a whole film. Thirty-six bloody pictures.

  Kevin Oh well. It’s in the past, isn’t it. He can’t hurt no one now.

  Monica It just really freaked me out. Seeing him. You know.

  Kevin What did he look like?

  Monica Well …

  Kevin The way Frankie went on you’da thought he was shagging Michael Owen. Was he fit?

  Monica See for yourself.

  She hands him a photo.

  Kevin Monica.

  Monica What?

  Kevin You’ve got your arm round him.

  Monica Yeah, my camera’s got a self-timer.

  Kevin You mean you spoke to him?

  Monica Can I have that back please?

  Kevin I don’t believe you.

  Monica Please.

  Pause. Kevin stares at the photo.

  D’you wanna hear some of my performance poetry?

  Kevin No.

  Monica I bought a biro from the beach taverna shop and wrote them on postcards. Tony!

  Tony comes out of the French windows, still in his dressing gown. Kevin puts the photo in his pocket.

  Tony Hiya. Monica! You look gorgeous!

  Monica Oh, God I’ve really missed you, Antonio McBonio. Come here, you sexy beast.

  Tony God, you’re looking great. Isn’t she looking great, Kev?

  Kevin (Scottish) Aye, she looks fab.

  Monica Present! Open your present! It’s not much. Mykonos really cleaned me out. It’s a lot more expensive than it looks.

  Kevin How much was it? 50p?

  Tony too has unwrapped a mug.

  Tony Oh, fab. Thanks a lot. I’ll be able to … use it when I want a cup of tea. Or coffee. It’s really versatile.

  Monica Look on the back. That’s me. Little ole me. Well, less of the little. I was shovelling down moussaka like it was going out of fashion.

  Kevin (comparing mugs) Hang on a second. His says ‘Friends For Ever’, mine says ‘Hi There!’ D’you love him more than me or something? I feel like putting a fucking gun to me head!

  Monica Wanker!

  She rubs
Tony’ s arm and groans earnestly.

  How are you, Toe? You OK? You OK poppet?

  Tony I’m fine.

  Monica Ah! You’re so brave. I’m so proud of you you know.

  Tony So come on. How was it? Tell all!

  Monica Yeah, it was a really cool headspace.

  Tony You didn’t get bored?

  Monica I wrote poetry. My hotel had some really interesting shit in it.

  Tony Did you meet anyone nice?

  Monica Yeah, some really great guys from Stanmore. I’ve got to go there on Monday. We’re having a reunion.

  Kevin (at the same time as she says reunion) Baby.

  Monica gives Kevin daggers.

  Monica We’re having a reunion.

  Kevin (at the same time again) Baby!

  Monica God, it’s nothing definite, right? I don’t know if I’m centred enough yet to bring some bloody kid into the world. I mean, I’m skint for starters. And my landlord’s threatening to evict me.

  Tony Why?

  Monica Cos I didn’t pay my rent when I was in Mykonos. Capitalist wankstain.

  Tony Are they photos?

  Monica Yeah. Did you know that Mykonos is Greek for windmill?

  Tony Let’s see.

  Monica OK, but I’ve got to vet them.

  Tony Oh, Monica, we’ve all seen your tits before.

  Kevin The whole fucking country’s seen your tits.

  Monica That documentary about breasts is up for a BAFTA.

  Kevin I’ve never seen so many saggy old mams in me life.

  Monica I don’t show photographs to misogynists.

  Tony I’m not a misogynist, show me.

  Monica OK, but I have to vet them. I did some nude sunbathing and I’ve got some issues about who I expose my labia to. That’s me with clothes on with Colin and Vince. Stanmore.

  Tony Talk me through this nasty blouse?

  Monica Oh, Colin and Vince bought it for me. I think they were having a bit of a giggle.

  Tony God, I can’t abide T-shirts with slogans on.

  Kevin What does it say? Learner Lesbian?

  Monica Kev. You’re starting to do my brain in!

  Kevin Let’s see, what does it say?

  Tony ‘You can’t keep a good woman down.’

  Kevin You can if you hold her head under the water long enough.

  Monica Give me that. Give it to me.

  She snaps the photo out of Tony’ s hand. Grabs her bag.

  I’m outta here!

  Kevin You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

  She takes a sip of her tea and then throws it over Kevin. She exits via the back gate.