Out in the Open Read online

  Tony Oh, I’ve only just mopped this!

  Kevin Stupid fucking bitch!

  Tony goes inside to get the mop. Monica comes back in. Kevin goes inside to wipe down. Tony comes out and mops up.

  Tony Get out my way, I’ll do that.

  Monica He gives gay men such a bad name you know. It’s dangerous spouting bullshit like that. I know he only does it to wind me up, but it’s no excuse. (Shouts in the direction of the house.) Wanker!

  Tony Keep your voice down. Jesus! I’m surrounded by bloody kids.

  Tony goes inside. Monica looks for the photo of her and Brett. Kevin comes out.

  Kevin (Scottish) Tony says I’ve gottie apologise to yee.

  Monica (hushed) Where’s my fucking photograph, you cunt?

  Kevin (hands it over) You wanna rip that up.

  Monica Oh, stop worrying. Tony doesn’t know what he looks like. Tony doesn’t even know he exists.

  Tony calls from inside.

  Tony Who?!

  Monica and Kevin look back towards the house. Monica is shitting herself.

  Monica What?

  Tony Who don’t I know exists?

  Monica Oh, it’s not important.

  Tony comes out.

  Kevin Tell him.

  Monica Kevin!

  Kevin Well, I will then. She’s tryina set you up on a date, Tony. I told her it was too soon. He ain’t gonna want another fella yet. You stupid fucking bitch!

  She’s a bit taken aback by his lie, and his attitude. She comes back at him.

  Monica I know it’s too soon, you vulgar cockney twat! (To Tony.) I just happened to mention someone gay in passing. And he’s got them married off to you already! (To Kevin.) You twisted sick psychopath!

  Kevin You were going on and on and on about how fantastic they were and how they really got off on the Scottish accent, you boring beached whale!!

  Tony Who? Who are you talking about?

  Kevin Yes, do remind me again Monica. I’ve already forgotten - it was so boring.

  Monica Oh, just someone who comes in the caff.

  Tony Does he have a name?

  Kevin Yes, do tell, Monica. We’re all ears.

  Monica Of course he has a name. Randolf.

  Kevin laughs.

  Kevin Randolf?

  Tony Well, thanks for the concern. But. Well, maybe I don’t need to meet someone new.

  Kevin That’s exactly what I said. Frankie’s only been dead six months! God, Mon, you’re so insensitive!

  Monica I just mentioned that he liked Scottish accents. That’s all. I wouldn’t set you up with anyone, Tony, I know it’s wholly inappropriate.

  Tony I mean, maybe I already have met someone.

  Monica What?

  Kevin You’re joking!

  Monica Really?

  Tony Why d’you think I went back to bed? I’m shagged. Literally.

  Monica Right. Oh I see. You’ve had sex with someone. God, is that all?

  Kevin You pulled down that vile pub?

  Tony Aha.

  Kevin You vile slut, Antony Graham. What are you like?! Eugh, was he septic?

  Tony No, you cheeky bastard.

  Kevin When did he get off? I’ll have to disinfect the house.

  Tony About five minutes ago.

  Kevin It weren’t Billy the barman, was it? He gave me lice.

  Tony No.

  Kevin Well, who was it then?

  Tony No one you know.

  Kevin Good in the sack? Did he break your back?

  Monica Why does everything have to be measured by sex, Kevin? You’re such a stereotypical gay man, you do my head in.

  Tony Well, aren’t you happy for me?

  Monica Sure.

  Kevin If you’re happy I’m happy.

  Monica Ditto.

  Tony Good.

  Pause.

  ’Are you seeing him again Tony?’ Yes, thanks for asking. We’re gonna go clubbing tonight.

  Kevin Eugh, do you have to drone on about your vile trade. So you got a fuck last night. So what?

  Tony He wasn’t vile.

  Kevin You don’t hear me banging on about last night’s meat, morning noon and night, do you?

  Tony No.

  Kevin No, cos I’m not boring.

  Tony No, cos you can’t remember.

  Monica Er … guys? Can I ask something? Are you ready for this?

  Tony For what?

  Monica Another relationship?

  Tony Monica?

  Monica Toe?

  Tony Are you ready for a slap?

  Kevin Attaboy, Tony!

  Monica Tony!

  Tony Am I not allowed to meet anyone else? I thought yous two’d be really happy for me.

  Monica I am happy for you.

  Kevin I’m delirious.

  Tony I wish I could fucking believe you.

  Kevin What you worried about us for? It’s your life.

  Monica Yeah. (Directed at Kevin.) I think it’s really cool actually. Way to go, Toe!

  Kevin I haven’t got a problem with it at all. I mean it’s not like we’re Mary, is it?

  Monica Oh, God! Don’t tell her. I mean, it doesn’t sound that serious.

  Kevin Monica! Are you encouraging Tony to lie?

  Monica Lies can be really positive, yeah? If you’re … like … protecting someone.

  Tony And what if it is serious?

  Monica It’s not.

  Tony Were you there?

  Kevin She was probably peering through the window, bringing herself off.

  Monica I think that’s your department, Kev actually. Oh, come on, Tony. One night? Serious? Pur-lease!

  Tony Anyway, it’s not like I tell Mary my deepest darkest thoughts.

  Kevin It’s none of her business Tony. I wish she’d just give it a rest. Frankie wasn’t even that close to her.

  Tony I know.

  Mary comes crashing in through the back gate. She is carrying a casserole dish in a plastic bag.

  Mary Who, darling? I could hear your voices. Seemed silly to knock.

  Monica Mary! God, I’ve really missed you!

  Mary Who weren’t our Frankie close to?

  Kevin Oh, you don’t know her.

  Mary I know all Frankie’s friends.

  Tony Oh, we’re talking about someone else. Someone from down the pub.

  Mary Who? Was she at the funeral?

  Tony No.

  Mary Oh well, some friend!

  Monica I know. She’s a fucking bitch guy!

  Mary Oh, I hate that. Don’t you hate that, Kevin?

  Kevin I fucking loathe it, Mary, I’m so glad you asked me.

  Mary You have a nice time on your travels, Monica? Oh, it’s lovely to have you back. That path could do with a sweep. Don’t do it now darling. Only popped round to bring you this. I can’t stop. I made it for me lady with the leg but she turned her nose up at it. I thought, ‘I bet Tony’ll have that,’ so I phoned you at Harvey Nicks.

  Tony Oh, I didn’t have to go in in the end. His shingles disappeared miraculously.

  Mary I said, Is Tony in darling?’ She goes ‘Oh he ain’t in today.’ I goes, ‘I’m glad. You’re working him too hard as it is.’ She just laughs. I thought, don’t you fucking laugh at me. I said, ‘How’s that other lad’s shingles then, darling?’ She goes, ‘Which other lad?’ I said, ‘Call yourself a manager!’ and hung up.

  She has produced a casserole dish.

  Tony Mary, I’m not supposed to take personal calls at the shop.

  Mary Well, I wanted to know where I could give you this. I thought, well, if you’re up Knightsbridge all afternoon I could pop along. I’ve got me travelcard, seems a shame to waste it.

  Kevin What is it? Eugh, it’s got egg in it.

  Tony (has a look) It’s a Mary Special.

  Mary Frankie’s favourite. Pasta, condensed tomato soup, tin o’tuna, tin o’peas, egg. I left the crisps out, darling cos I know you ain’t enamoured. I’m not gonna eat it
. You can have it with a little salad or a baked potato. Mind you, that might be a bit starchy. Where was it you went again, Monica? Greece, wannit?

  Monica Mykonos.

  Kevin It’s Greek for windmill.

  Mary Bet it’s nice to be home though. Always nice to get back to your own toilet.

  Monica You can’t throw paper down Greek toilets.

  Mary Lovely. You taken your pills today, Tony?

  Tony No.

  Mary (slaps him) What’ve I told you?

  Tony Yes, I have taken my tablets, Mary. You’ve asked me three times already! What d’you want me to do? Overdose?

  Mary Well, pardon me for taking an interest! You were always moaning that Frankie never took an interest. I’m only trying to reshake the balance.

  Monica They have little bins and you stick it in there.

  Kevin Stick what?

  Monica The loo roll.

  Mary What?

  Kevin What are you on about, Monica?!

  Monica They don’t let you throw toilet paper down the toilet.

  Mary Who don’t?

  Monica The Greek authorities. You can get into real trouble for it.

  Mary What, they have someone standing over you while you’re doing your dirties? That’s fucking disgusting!

  Monica No. There’s just like … a little bin there.

  Mary Oh, that’s really hygienic. What if you’ve got company?

  Monica I’ve got you a present actually.

  Mary Here, she’s bought you a bloody bin, Tony!

  Monica I was going to leave it here for you.

  Mary Me, darling?

  Monica hands her a gift-wrapped present.

  Mary Oh.

  She bursts out crying.

  Oh, you didn’t have to do that, darling. You shoulda saved your money.

  Kevin You ain’t seen it yet. She give us cups.

  Mary Oh, it’s too beautiful to open. Oh, you’re all so good to me. I dunno why, I’m such a burden. Oh, you open it for me, Kevin. I ain’t got me glasses on. Don’t rip it darling, I’ll use that paper at Christmas. Oh, you shoulda saved your money, Monica. Oh, she’s a good girl. You’re all good people. I dunno what I’d do without you.

  Kevin has unwrapped a sarong.

  Mary Oh, isn’t that stunning? That is stunning. Look at that. Oh, will you look at that, Tony? You can say what you like about their toilet facilities, but the Greeks do a lovely line in scarves.

  Monica It’s a sarong.

  Mary No! Is it?

  Kevin Put it on.

  Monica Yeah.

  Mary What do I do with it?

  Kevin Come here.

  Kevin ties it on her.

  Mary You cleaned your teeth yet, Kevin?

  Kevin Yeah.

  Mary You wanna suck on a Trebor. Oh, Monica, you’ve got an unusual eye, intya? Eh? Look at me like I’m on Camber Sands. Oh, this is very exotic. Oh, come here, you. (Kisses Monica.) I’m gonna keep this on I am.

  Kevin You look like David Beckham.

  Mary Well, he’s a lovely dresser.

  Monica It’s really versatile.

  Mary Isn’t it? Isn’t it? It’d make a lovely picnic rug. Or a baby’s blanket. You seen Dodgy Rog, yet Kev?

  Kevin Give us a chance.

  Mary My arthritis, Monica. Fucking nightmare. So did you have a little holiday romance in Mykonos, babe? Meet a nice Greek man with a boat?

  Kevin Monica’s a dyke.

  Mary Fucking load o’rubbish.

  Monica I am, Mary.

  Mary Yeah, well, I’m a lesbian an’ all then.

  Monica shrugs as if to say it’s cool.

  Mary You’ll have to get me down them lady bars. Find meself a nice lady in a bowler hat like in that film.

  Kevin Which film?

  Mary Beryl Reid and Susannah Whatsit.

  Kevin The Killing of Sister George?

  Mary Ooh, that’s a sinister picture. Innit though, eh? Eh? Put the willies up me, that did. ’Ere, there was that movie set in Greece. She was in it. That actress. Shirley Valentine. Oh, I like that Shirley Valentine. She takes a good part.

  Kevin Pauline Collins?

  Mary That’s it. That’s a lovely picture. You seen Pauline Collins Mon? It’s a lovely picture. You got that in your video shop, Kevin?

  Monica I went to the beach where they filmed that. That’s where I met … people.

  Mary No! Was it lovely?

  Monica It’s a bit touristy.

  Mary That’s me that film.

  Monica Mykonos has all together become very touristy.

  Mary Like Soho, innit? What’s the matter with you, Tony? Cat got your tongue?

  Tony No law against being quiet, is there?

  Mary You staying in tonight, Tony?

  Tony No, I’m going to Trade.

  Mary Lovely. I’m going up me club wi’Rose.

  Monica Which one’s Rose again?

  Mary Used to be in the pub trade so she likes a bit o’that. (Mimes drinking.) Her fella went blind with his sugars. That’s no way to lose your sight.

  Tony Is she the one who’s the terrible gossip? Frankie said she was a scream.

  Mary Swears blind her fella’s got a roving eye. But how can he? I’d get rid tomorrow, Tony, but she needs me see. Are they your holiday snaps, Monica?

  Monica Kind of.

  Mary Got any of that beach?

  Monica No.

  Mary Oh well, don’t bother getting them out. Look at the fucking time! I’m nipping over St. Clements cos him upstairs got sectioned again. I only know cos his wife popped a note through. She’s an angel, only she can’t visit him today cos she’s gone up Salisbury for a christening. I thought they only done them of a Sunday. Maybe they’re Jewish, eh. You had any luck on the job front, Monica?

  Monica No.

  Mary Oh, that’s a shame. You’re Julie Andrews waiting to happen. See ya! Don’t get up. Bye then.

  She leaves.

  Tony I’m gonna get in the bath.

  Tony exits.

  Monica God. So. What do you make of that, Kev?

  Kevin You’re nothing like Julie Andrews.

  Monica About Tony’s news!

  Kevin Well, good. I’m happy for him. It’s his life.

  Monica Yeah, me too. It’s great, isn’t it? Yeah, really great.

  He looks at her.

  Blackout.

  Scene Four

  Sunday morning.

  Kevin is watching over the barbecue, which he has heated up. He puts some sausages and some bacon on it. Monica sits with two suitcases, an empty birdcage, a bin bag and a boogie box. Kevin is wearing sunglasses and a hat, which he takes off at some point in the scene, before Iggy’ s arrival

  Monica Is Tony in bed?

  Kevin No, he ain’t back from church yet.

  Monica Church?

  Kevin Trade. He’s just phoned, he’s on his way home. Told me to get some breakfast on. Said he’s got company.

  Monica I’ll pay you back for the cab as soon as I get paid. Are those Linda McCartney’s?

  Kevin No, they’re fresh.

  Monica You know. If this was America, right, I’d probably own a gun. They’re like mobile phones over there. Everyone’s got them. And I’d have pointed it straight between the eyes. And shot him. Dead.

  Kevin Who?

  Monica My landlord. Ex-landlord. Are these yours?

  She helps herself to a cigarette from a packet on the table. She lights up. Kevin rolls his eyes.

  Kevin Help yourself.

  Monica Great. I haven’t got a fucking girlfriend. I haven’t got a fucking job. And now I haven’t got a fucking home.

  Kevin Have they sacked you from the caff?

  Monica That’s not a job. I’m a fucking actress!

  Kevin You can say that again. You’re not thinking of stopping here, are you?

  Monica In your dreams, Kevin! No, Cora from the café, her flatmate Rafferty’s gone trekking in Nepal. So she’s goin
g to put me up. Only she’s doing her shift at the café ’til five so I can’t go round ’til then. God, I had such a good chill in Mykonos and now this.

  Kevin Well, maybe you shoulda stayed put and paid your rent rather than splashing out on two weeks in Greece.

  Monica I’ve been depressed. I had to get away to find me again.

  Kevin Well, you didn’t find you, did you? You found Brett.

  Pause. Kevin continues cooking. Monica sits.

  Kevin What was he like?

  Monica I wasn’t going to talk to him. When he walked into that bar. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I didn’t fancy him.

  Kevin Well, obviously. You’re a dyke.

  Monica I was thinking. Oh my God, it’s him. And I just kept staring. Everyone else was staring at the sunset. The Kastro Bar, it’s this bar where you go to watch the sunset. Huge great picture windows. The view’s amazing. It’s like this big round orange ball of flame and fire, just like … dropping into the horizonesque watery ocean. He ordered a strawberry daiquiri and then lit up a Camel Light. And he looked so vulnerable. And this classical music was playing. I felt like I was in a Caravaggio painting or something. Staring at this vision who looked like a rent boy. Then Colin and Vince started debating what music was playing and I said I thought it was the theme music from The Mission. And they said who was in that. And I said … Liam Neeson and Jeremy Irons.

  Kevin Oh get the fuck on with it.

  Monica And when I looked back … he’d gone. The waiter came with his Strawberry Daiquiri. Malaka. I said to the guys. ‘That’s what we should call our baby girl. Malaka.’ Well, they just burst out laughing. Apparently it’s Greek for wanker.

  Kevin But you spoke to him. You had your arms round him.

  Monica The next day I went to Super Paradise Beach. Yeah, me and seven million others. And who comes and lies on the lounger next to me?

  Kevin Fancy a spot in the shade did he?

  Monica It was like Frankie was sending me a sign or something. There must have been five hundred sun loungers on that beach, and he chose … Weird. So I spoke to him.

  Kevin Fuck me, that is weird.

  Monica He said he wasn’t having that good a time in Mykonos. I said, ‘Yeah, it’s windy, isn’t it?’ and then he just came out with it. He and his boyfriend had always wanted to come. But his boyfriend had died. And so he was … doing it for him, so to speak.

  Kevin (incredulously) He called Frankie that? His boyfriend?!

  Monica Well, to Brett he was. OK to us he was Tony’s. But to Brett. Brett was in love with Frankie. Frankie was living with someone else, but Brett was in a relationship with him all the same.